Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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me when i see my girls butt
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut