Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
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Terribly Tuesday.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁