Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!