I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.