*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers