Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate