According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
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had to make it
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Happy weekend !
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.