[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
You Might Also Like
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.