When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.