Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.