I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.