It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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this isn’t threatening at all
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”