[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.