Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
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“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on