*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*