A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.