“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
spicy snake
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Last-minute gift idea!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.