doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.