I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one