Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My zodiac sign is pistachio
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.