My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Best mom ever 😂
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?