Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.