There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”