I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
…żyje?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.