how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
This hospital has everything
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.