I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
The Sun’s probably Asian.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future