Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
won’t smith
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.