ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.