I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!