Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.