This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.