Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!