CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
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ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
a public service announcement
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.