My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it