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Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Alexa: *deep breath*
gentlemen, hear me out
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?