Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Nice try, poison.