My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
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Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand