When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Last-minute gift idea!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works