me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us