Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Cinematography is my passion
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.