*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.