Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
❤️🦆
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
How do dragons blow out candles?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Happy Thanksgiving
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies