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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
It’s the weekend y’all
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE