When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?