Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Beware of fowl play.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.