“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
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He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom