On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.