Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.