Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
That time Alicia messaged me
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Important reminders
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh