Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
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Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.